Ramblings From A Month Of, well Chaos.

I actually said the words “what else could go wrong??” 

The next thing I knew I was sitting in a Pediatric Urgent Care with a child screaming at the top of lungs about how his ears hurt and that the doctor was taking too long and needed to move very more quickly. 

That about sums up about January around here. 

In the midst of chaos- hospitals, surgeries,  unplanned bathroom renovations, starting a new business, last minute trips out of town for Ken, a small car accident,  and the general chaos of raising children- I found myself sinking- like the kind of sinking where you’re crying uncontrollably for no reason, or the smallest issue sends you into a fit of rage. It’s not that I’m a type A personality- because I’m not.  I’m a fairly private person (ironic, I realize since you’re reading this on the internet) and after a meltdown with one of my closest and best friends, she said something that reverberates with me even now, weeks later. “You need a sounding board.”  And damn, was she right. But I still sat on it, because vulnerability is NOT my strong suit. I like to help people. I like to be the one who has it all together. I’ll stand beside you in your biggest challenges and cheer you on until my voice is hoarse. I want to connect with you- so I can support you when the shit hits the fan. But when my shit hits the fan, I bury my head because I don’t want bother you. 

When Teacher K messaged me that Seton was complaining of ear pain, I told her to hold off for a bit because the kid is smart AF and there was a good chance he was using it as an avoidance tactic. Five minutes later she called me and said “Yeah, I think this legit.” And it was- the kid cried for the better part of 4 hours before we could get him seen by a doctor, and the only other thing he has that kind of stamina for is swimming and playing video games. It was the icing on the cake of the entire month- this kid rarely gets sick.  (Which is a bonus because he also refuses oral medicine because #autism and he calls it poison) And over the course of that four hours, he let EVERYONE within ear shot share in his pain. When he learned he had to get an antibiotic shot, he screamed louder, and when they were done with it, he declared “YOU INJECTED ME WITH POISON!!” When he had to get a second dose and the nurses walked into the room with the syringes, he exclaimed “TAKE YOUR POISON AND GET OUT HERE!”

And I laughed…but then I thought damn. This kid is trying to teach me something. Here he was, faced with a real physical pain and he was letting everyone know about it, and looking for comfort and help in every person who stood within an arms reach.

So what was I going to do with it?

I took some time that night and decided I was done sinking. It was time to swim. It was time to be honest with myself, and with those around me. I was going to let my vulnerability become my biggest strength, because hey, if he can do it so can I.

So I did.

And it, like the road less traveled has made all the difference.

10 Things I’ve Learned Since 2020 Started

1. Trust Your Gut.
2. Read number 1 again.
3. Showing weakness doesn’t make you weak.
4. We aren’t meant to go through this all alone.
5. MOD Pizza for dinner 3x in one week isn’t going to kill anyone.
6. I can’t actually survive on energy drinks and Diet Coke. #Hydration, it turns is out is key, with actual water.
7. Find what you drives you, what fuels your passion, and f-ing go after it.
8. Sometimes a night around a kitchen table with some of the coolest people you know can be all the recharge you need.
9. I’m really damn lucky.
10. I am stronger than I ever thought.

Here’s to adventures, more learning and growing in the rest of 2020.

And, if Seton has his way, a lot less “poison.”

See you in the pool- it’s time to swim.