We’ve always had a bit of a soul connection. 

Like, we typically wake up within five minutes of each other type of soul connection. I’ve spent so much of my life anticipating his wants and needs, choosing when to fight battles that will help further his growth as a person. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, really. He still surprises me sometimes- when I choose to fight what I think will be a battle and it ends up being a huge win. 

Last Friday I decided to fight the battle. 

It was sunny and warm. A friend invited us via text to meet up for drinks. Place is kid friendly, occasionally has chickens roaming around, a small playground and a sandpit. Fun vibes. Entertainment for all. 

I told him we were going to place that had the chickens. (he didn’t know the name.) I packed snacks and we were about thirty seconds from walking out the door when he told me he didn’t want to go. 

Okay but we’re going, I said. 

FOR HOW LONG. 

Forty five minutes. 

He accepted that, briefly. 

BUT EMILY IT’S DISNEY CHANNEL FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT. 

My first thought was “fuck”. He’s on this huge Disney Channel kick right now. Kinda funny, kinda annoying. But he checks the schedule, knows when the shows he likes come on and doesn’t like to miss anything. And so he was stressed. It wasn’t even a Disney movie, and it’s currently streaming on Netflix. And he didn’t really understand the DVR concept, but I still tried to explain it. 

He reluctantly agreed to go, but spent the entire time in the car negotiating down the number of minutes we’d be spending there.  By the time we got out of the car, before I’d even ordered a drink he had decided we were spending five minutes and he’d set a timer on his iPad. And that soul connection? It meant that his stress was pulsing through my bones. I decided this was a battle i was willing to fight. 

He ran off and played for a few minutes. But then he came barreling towards me telling me that the timer was almost up. Hey buddy, I’m going to finish my drink, I told him. We’ve all got to learn to be flexible, I thought to myself. And this was a chance for him to be outside, in the sunshine, running around with friends. This was a win, an easy win. 

He escalated quickly. It’s been so long since that’s happened, I honestly forgot how rapidly it can unravel. He was nervously pacing, asking me to drink faster, telling me that the movie was almost on, reminding me the timer was done. Eventually the tears came and that’s when I knew I had to surrender. I said a rushed goodbye to our friend, and we left. We got in the car, and he was crying, and within a few seconds I joined him. Soul connection. 

I beat myself up for a bit. Why did I choose to go? I should have known that was going to happen. I felt selfish. I felt like I didn’t push him enough to stay, that I gave in too easily. On the drive home, after he stopped crying, he was calm- peaceful, even. I had thrown a wrench in his plans, and this was not the night where flexibility abounded. And I get it- I like to have things planned out, I want to know what’s coming. It’s damn near impossible to surprise me (Kendu really loves that, LOL) and so it shouldn’t be surprising to me that this kid is wired in so much of that same way. But I also think I’ve done him a disservice sometimes- we’ve been too supportive or catered to him too often. It’s weird line to tiptoe. The thing is autism or not, sometimes you can’t just sit at home on a Friday night when the rest of your family is going out.

When we got home- we talked through it. It felt like he understood. The past five weeks have given me new insight into this delightful little person he’s becoming, while at the same time reminding me that I don’t have him all figured out yet. 

But all of that aside- the soul connection remains.

And hey Mike- let’s have a rain check. 

I might need to check the Disney Channel line up first though.